To Infinity and Beyond...

Everytime I reach out for help, I get completely shut down. I get ignored, forgotten, rejected. I know I need help. I just don’t know how to get it, or if I really want it.

Everyday one of my friends asks me “Are you okay?’ I smile and nod. I’m fine, I’m great. And why shouldn’t I be? I’m young, I have my friends by my side, straight As in all my classes, a supportive family at home; nice clothes in my closet, a bright future in dance. To an outsider, I have everything.

But I don’t. I push myself the the limit in everything I do. I’m a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough. Straight As? I could’ve gotten an A+. Got a B on a test? I hate myself for days.

I haven’t talked to my Mom in months. I don’t know where she is, who she’s with, or if shes healthy and safe. I miss my old home with her more than anything. I don’t think I can ever fully please my Dad and stepmom, no matter what I do. 

I love to dance more than anything in the world. I work hard in every single class from start to finish. I put so much time and energy into it that I forget about other things, things like friends, relationships….

I walk around school with a smile on my face. I am strong, confident, smart……Psh who am I kidding? I hate myself more than anyone else. I’ll never be good enough for anything. I’m ugly, fat and stupid. Its all an act. I don’t have it all together, not even close. When someone asks me if I’m okay, I say yes and smile, because I’m too afraid to say no and admit that I’m not. My family knows I’m not okay, and they choose to ignore it. So why should telling you no change any of that? It won’t.  

story.of.my.life. ^

The rest of the world may have walked out, but I’m still here. Just waiting for you to realize that I always will be here.

Can’t you see that I’m the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can’t you see, you belong with me</3

Listening to Taylor Swift’s second album Fearless while doing my English project. This whole album brings back so many memories from 8th grade and freshman year. Every single song on it describes my life at that time in my life. Some parts good, others bad. 

Music is amazing. It takes you back, it takes you to the future. It can take you anywhere, as long as you let it, and you’re not afraid.

I am in such a good mood right now its not even funny. If it weren’t for the fact I still have a whole Bio lab to right, I would be bouncing off the walls and dancing around my room.

I’m ridin’ solo, I’m ridin’ solo, i’m ridin’ solo…..

<3

quoting mean girls back and forth with kayla hoyt via text.

and this is why we are best friends.<3

I really enjoy getting talked about when I’m standing two feet away. It really makes my day.

Here’s a tip for you: GROW SOME BALLS AND SAY IT TO MY FACE.

I don’t hate you, I’m not jealous of you, just because your a senior. If anything, I pity you. You’re going nowhere in life. You act “tough” to seem like you’ve got it all together. We all know you don’t, so stop faking, no one believes you.

I’m sorry you feel the need to talk shit about me to make yourself feel better. Please try and get a life. kthanksbye.

Today has been the worst day in a very long time. Last week was a train wreck in itself, but this really takes the cake.

Someone I barely even know or talk to is threatening to beat me up, I had the most embarrassing moment in shop this morning, I found out something I never ever wanted to know about someone I love, the guy I love is fucking with my head more than anything, I have more shop week homework than I can even comprehend, my feet feel like they’re gonna fall off. And to top it all off, ITS ONLY MONDAY.

If this is a preview of the rest of sophomore year, I can’t wait.

i miss my mommy </3

I hold my breathe as I take that faithful step onto the scale. I hold my breathe and pray it hasn’t changed since the morning before, or if it has, it has changed for good. The numbers dance across the LCD screen, and finally decide what number I shall be today.

Idon’t like what I see. For the rest of the day, nothing feels right. My clothes too small, my makeup not right,and my hair a mess. I’m disappointed in myself. Lunch time comes around. I have no appetite. I feel sick. My friends sit around talking, laughing, eating. I stay quiet for the most part. Everyone used to ask me what was wrong, but now they don’t want to know. They don’t want to hear the answer, and I don’t want to say it. Everyone knows, but no one says a word. The day goes on. I focus in class and continue the silence. I think that maybe I could pull off this whole quiet thing. Maybe, I think, if I stay quiet long enough, everyone will forget me. Maybe I’ll forget myself. 

The bell rings, we all go home. the silence continues at home. Dinner is the same as lunch. Everyone knows, but no one says a word. I still have no appetite. I drink my glass of water and hide in my room, spending hours on homework that usually takes a few minutes. I remain in silence until I turn off the light, and drift into the place where everything is quiet, where no one knows and no one says a word.

I’m Taylor Davis. Dancer. Lover. Dreamer. I’m loud. I do cartwheels when I’m happy. I talk and make jokes during movies and generally end up irritating people sitting near me and embarrassing my friends. I’m honest, sometimes brutally. I would do anything in the world to protect my friends and my family.

A decent amount of people find me extremely irritating. I like it. I am who I am and I honestly don’t care.

“I’d rather be hated for who I am then liked for who I am not”

-Kurt Cobain

I know who I am and I’m not about to change who that is. Be yourself, because everyone else is taken.

The first time I saw this challlenge and saw day 29, I knew who I would write about.

I’m so glad we’re friends. Talking to you makes my whole day. Seeing you instantly brings a smile to my face. Its crazy.

I can’t believe after all this time I still like you. I still wish it was me in your arms. Its ridiculous if you think about it. You hurt me so many times. But why can I only remember the good times? Sitting on the bus together…watching that show we always watch. Walking along the railroad tracks in the rain…..

I remember those moments like nothing else before. Its crazy. I keep saying that don’t I?

I guess what I’m really trying to say is I love you. I still can’t figure out if you know or not. Or if you even care. I wish you cared. I felt a connection the first time I talked to you. How could that mean nothing? People don’t feel that way for no reason. Didn’t you feel it too?

Ughh I sound like such a pathetic loser. Fuck. I hate high school.