To Infinity and Beyond...

My 11:11 wish was about you. I’m taking a chance and loving every minute if it.

My biggest fear is that I will be alone forever. I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that I will never get to fall in love, walk down the aisle, have children and grandchildren and grow old with someone who means the world to me.

And that terrifies me.

I know I’m wrong, and I have my whole life ahead of me, and there is no way I could know what the future holds for me, but that still doesn’t make this feeling go away. It doesn’t silence the voice that says to me everyday:

you will never be good enough for someone to love you.

And everyday I get a little closer to believing it.

I’m sitting in the barnes and noble Starbucks right now, drinking a caramel machiatto. This is my favorite place ever. I love the smell of the coffee, the books. I could just sit at this table in the corner forever.

I feel myself wasting away into nothing and I am powerless to stop it. Please come save me from this downward spiral. Please come save me from myself.

I guess these were the good days. The days I’ll wish I could go back to.

One of my best friends is leaving Tri County. And the worst part is, is that she didn’t even bother to tell me, or anyone else in our close knit group of friends. To be completely honest it breaks my heart.

I don’t know what happened between us. Everything was fine less than a week ago. And now it’s like we’re not even friends. And its not even like we got into a fight. You just got mad at us and dropped us of at the curb like we were trash, not you’re best friends. I don’t understand it, I hate it.

But I guess this is goodbye. I’m glad we were friends while we could be, even if now you don’t want anything to do with me.

Goodbye sister, secret keeper, best friend.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of me leaving my Mom’s house. And I didn’t even realize it untill right now. I can’t believe myself.

plaid shirts. uggs and moccasins.

7 pound history books with 20 pound back packs.

skinny jeans and cell phones.

blasting music and singing at the top of our lungs, laughing the whole way home.

dancing through the hallways and dancing through our tears.

inside jokes and code names.

sunglasses and converse.

these are the days we’ll look back on

we’ll laugh over the good times and cry over the bad.

this is high school.

this is us.

It will be 2 years this Sunday. How in the world does something like that happen? :/

I’m tired of playing the waiting game. I roll through my endless day, waiting for things to get better.

I wait for you to notice me.

I wait for my phone to ring.

I wait (procrastinate..) to do my homework.

I wait for time to heal my wounds.

This game is getting old. I’m wandering in circles, slowly getting nowhere. But the game ends here.

I wil make sure I talk to you next week.

I’ll pick up the phone and call you.

I’ll actually do homework before the next day (maybe)

Those wounds that are still healing? I’ll put a band-aid on them and get over it. The games end now.